The O.C. S1 E01–04

The OC started 20 years ago this year, in 2003! That hardly sees possible. Everything from this time seems to have been revisited, rebooted, reimagined or rediscovered, so it’s no doubt only a matter of time before a new Ryan Atwood shows up at the home of a new Cohen family. I watched the first three seasons when they were on, and I don’t recall choosing to give up on it, but I definitely didn’t want the fourth and final season. Let’s see how we get on here.

Holy shit, Doug Liman directed the first couple of episodes? Weird!

1.1 Pilot

Ryan’s brother Trey doesn’t seem like a smart guy. He smashes a car window, steals a car and immediately acts like he’s playing Grand Theft Auto, engaging the police in a high speed car chase. It seems an ill advised race, since he smashes into a lamppost almost immediately, and goes to jail. Ryan’s lawyer is public defendant Sandy Cohen! Oh shit Ryan’s test scores are 98th percentile. Ryan’s mom — also not the best — and her bf, double also not so good, do not welcome Ryan home with open arms. Ryan is kicked out of the house in Chino! Good ole Chino!

In the background we hear, “California here we commmmeeee” and OK, that’s a pretty fucking great opening. But this is set up like some gritty, ugly ‘realistic’ show, I don’t remember that aesthetic. Maybe it’s just the pilot that looks like this or maybe it’s the low def world of 2003. It’s weird how the show became so synonymous with glossy pretty things and starts off so ‘real.’

Ryan calls Sandy, because why not, and Sandy comes and picks him up in his beamer and takes him out to The O.C. BABY! The drive is great, graffitied walls and underpasses giving way to greenery and beautiful beaches as the money kicks in. We learn, it’s not Sandy’s money, it’s his wife’s. Good ole Kirsten is not stoked about Ryan staying the weekend, but still she’s got a good heart, she readies the pool house like she would for an invited guest.

They waste no time in setting it all up. Here’s Marissa eye fucking Ryan right away:

“Who are you?”

“Whoever you want me to be.”

Smooth!

Cool guy Ryan smoking a cigarette, wearing a classic white beater. Double Smooth! Marissa is perhaps not a super good actress but she’s also way younger than everyone else which can’t have been easy. Everything she does seems forced, (is she flirting with Sandy??) but she looks so perfect for this role, the 2000’s society princess. I don’t think the writers ever quite knew what do with Marissa.

When the show started, Wiki tells me the actual ages of the core four are:

Ryan — 25

Seth — 24

Summer — 22

Marissa — 17

I mean that’s not an easy thing to do, they were all young working actors, she’s still a kid, not the easiest thing to slide into.

First thing next morning Seth is straight away desperate for Ryan to be his best pal. The first meeting is just like ‘hey random brooding stranger, come play video games.’ And then they’re out on his boat the ‘Summer Breeze’ (subtle) talking about doing a Pacey and sailing to Tahiti — man this show moves fast, they really want to get it all set up quick.

Fortunately Marissa, Ryan’s already paramour, is best friends with Seth’s dream girl Summer, and now they’re off to a fashion show. But uh oh, the Feds are sniffing around looking for Marissa’s dad who is a financial rogue.

Here’s Julie Cooper! Worrying that her hair is too Avril Lavigne. 2000’s baybeee! For some reason the society women at this gala are all over Ryan like white on rice, so he starts knocking back 7 & 7’s until Kristen stops him being naughty.

Understated entrance for Luke:

Seth “Hey um, sup Luke!”

Luke: “Suck it queer!”

Classic Luke.

Now here’s Summer, and she’s got a lady boner for Ryan too, this is getting a little weird. Is he wearing some sort of love potion? Summer is dominating the runway despite having the most makeup I’ve ever seen someone wear, outside of the Drew Carey show. Luke is not stoked about Marissa sending the runway sex eyes to Ryan. Summer is like ‘come to this party, let me know if you need a ride or anything’ and Ryan flips it back to Seth, already being a good friend, telling Seth that Summer asked for him because hey, he’s a good dude even though he’s from Chino. Although this seems more likely to dash poor Seth’s hopes.

They jump in a sick yellow jeep with a bunch of blonde high school girls and go to some place, looks like P.Diddy’s mansion with bongs and Cristal and bikini girls dancing to late 90’s hip hop everywhere.

Summer is going on about how hard she’s going to smash Ryan, despite knowing nothing about him aside from his name. Luke is also getting hit on by some blonde and tells her not to worry about Marissa. What a trouble maker! Luke it must be said, is much bigger and classically better looking than Ryan. He looks like an Abercrombie model, which makes sense, since that’s what he was before the show. He’s also wearing a sweet thick white necklace. Party like it’s 2003 baby.

Oof Marissa sticks out, she delivers her lines like she’s just learned English and is reading them from cue cards. Summer is wasted and somehow now in a bikini (did she bring it to the party to change into?) and all over Ryan and this makes Seth sad and he screams at Ryan to go back to Chino which immediately kills Summer’s lady boner and makes everyone at the party hate Ryan because now they know he’s the worst thing anyone can possibly be. Poor.

On the beach, Seth is getting bullied by Luke and some other goons, they’re literally shaking him upside down like he’s seven years old. But here’s Ryan ready to brawl, leading to Ryan getting sucker punched and the all time classic fucking line:

WELCOME TO THE O.C. BITCH!!

THIS IS HOW IT’S DONE IN ORANGE COUNTY!!

How it’s done being apparently, we fight 3 on 1 and sucker punch a much smaller guy I guess? Seth is all sad he shouted at Ryan and now they’re best friends forever, all is forgiven.

Back home, Ryan sees Summer and a pal carrying Marissa home, she’s literally blackout, unconscious drunk so Summer just dumps her in the driveway and runs off. She could be dead, thanks friends. Ryan carries her back to the pool house but just to save her, not to date rape her as Luke for sure would of. Luke looks like what you imagine a rapist from a lacrosse team who got off because of insufficient evidence looks like.

Kristen is not stoked that Seth got drunk and got in a fight but Sandy, back from surfing, seems sort of stoked about it. Kristen wants Ryan out, but wait, he’s cooking breakfast! Come on, isn’t that enough to fully adopt him out of the blue? It’s breakfast!

No, apparently that is not enough. Ryan puts his choker and leather jacket back on, hugs Seth and is out of there. How are they going to keep in touch in a world without cell phones? In the real world, that’s where it ends. Ryan goes into the system, sad times, Seth has a good story for his college days. But this is network television ! Sandy drops Ryan at his house, sees his mom has left town and the house is empty and is like come back to The O.C. we’ll figure it out.

Great pilot! Perfect mix of 90210 society, Dawson’s Creek meta-talkiness and some American Pie warmth thrown on top.

1.2 The Model Home

OK so Ryan is back already. Much talk about a model home that Kristen is selling because, foreshadowing! Seth & Sandy give her a hard time about not immediately adopting Ryan. Yeah don’t even consider this life changing decision for a weekend, just commit to a lifetime of raising a child you know nothing about. OK I guess Ryan is like 16 so it’s maybe 2 years max, but still.

The opening credits are so good, iconic. Up there if not better than any other teen show, even Dawson’s Creek. The split screens, the song, the backdrops. It makes me feel old to think that this show was twenty years ago and yet still I was perhaps too old to watch it at the time, being it’s notionally about 16 year old kids (?) and I was 20-ish. But then again, everyone in it was actually my age, and four or five years out of high school isn’t that much distance.

Anyway, Ryan is running away and Seth is all like I’ll come with you, just like Kerouac! But actually they come up with, he can stay at the aforementioned model home. With Arrested Development also premiering in 2003, it really feels like Apex Mountain for model homes.

Marissa and her bad acting tag along with them on the new home mission because she’s the only one with a car. Apparently Marissa loves punk like the Clash and The Sex Pistols, which OK sure let’s insert this reason Ryan likes her, that’s not based purely on she’s a millionaire super model and then never speak of this again.

Hey detail I would never have picked up on back then, they’re chowing down on In-N-Out burgers. Nice! Luke calls; just for a change they’re having a giant drunken house party because nobody in The O.C. has parents. Also, get this out of the way early, yes, nobody in The O.C. ever called it The O.C. before this show. But THE O.C. sounds better, so get over it.

Hot mama Julie Cooper (34 in this, must have seemed old when I first watched it, she seems really young now to have a late teenage daughter, which I guess is the point) is pestering her clearly-going-to-jail-husband Tate Donovan about horses while Marissa & Seth help Ryan build a tent in the model house.

They’ve brought a bunch of useful stuff like Kiehl’s moisturizes and plenty of toilet roll (in case there’s a pandemic?) and oh shit, no food, but ohhhh snap, Marissa made Ryan a mixtape which is actually a CD but you get the point.

Next day they’re riding bikes and skateboards down the pier, fun times! (and totally a great plan for someone meant to be hiding out) which, OK sure. Maybe Marissa should date Seth, since both of them love ‘On The Road’ and keep going on about a pancake tour of North America, which I don’t remember from ‘On The Road’ but yeah maybe they’re the perfect couple here? Alas, there is to be no pancake tour, Ryan has decided to leave FOR GOOD. He’s is going to work construction in Austin? OK!

Luke and his goons doing their best Biff Tannen bust into the diner smashing the door and shouting at the waitress.

Seth: You like the food here too?

Luke: Shut up queer!

Classic Luke.

They do a good Back To The Future diner bully fight.

Ryan — You know what I like about rich kids?

Nothing!

BAM!

Ryan turns and punches Luke and our hero’s make likes trees and run out the door.

For some reason Kristen and Tate Donovan are hanging out at the model house, they’re downstairs, with the kids spying from upstairs. Tate needs some $$$ to stay solvent, but it’s too much to ask, it’s $100k! That really does not seem like a lot to ask between these specific people. Like comically nothing. They probably spend that much on one of the weekly garden parties.

Seth has an awesome old Mac desktop, the ones that look like sort of a white half ball and the monitor sprouts out of it like a flower? Great work set designer.

Another huge house party and Summer is there, having applied her makeup artfully once again, with her makeup shotgun. Ryan knows he has to leave in the morning so instead of partying he’s having a pity party at the model home, lighting a million candles and listening to Hallelujah when Marissa shows up.

They have an epic ‘we’re from different worlds it can never work even though we’re already in love convo’ (already in love? Crazy teenagers!) ending in much sobbing. It doesn’t exactly feel like the show has earned that level of sadness being that they’ve hung out for like five minutes ever. But oh shit, Luke/Biff Tannen and his goons are watching the house. They gon mess Ryan up!

Another big fight, during which, paint gets spilled, candles fall and the house is now burning down?! Luke rushes back in and carries out Ryan saving his life, despite having just said he was going to kill him. Luke contains multitudes!

Tate Donovan & Julie Cooper are watching ESPN classic basketball, Lakers/Pistons and it seems like they really like each other and she’s not just a comedy villain but actually a real person. Not for long! She just love that money!

Sandy and Seth drive around looking for Ryan. Back at the house party, Summer is once again, totally smashed, every kid here seems to have a pretty serious drinking problem. Now Luke is worried that Ryan is dead so drives back & gives him a ride to the Cohen’s and goes as far as to say it was an accident and even goes to jail with Ryan! What a guy!

1.3 The Gamble

So Luke went in the cop car with Ryan, and Sandy told the policeman don’t ask him any questions without me present, which probably isn’t how it works. Ryan and Luke can refused to answer questions, but the cops aren’t legally bound not to ask them. Although, since they’re minors, I doubt anything gleaned from an interrogation without a lawyer present would provide anything admissible in court. Not that any of this matters, since they’re rich white kids. But OK lawyer dad.

Sandy visits Ryan in jail and no charges are being pressed but Ryan is going to be inside for 90 days even though Luke is already out. Ryan is not optimistic about the situation, with good reason, but then he doesn’t know he’s on a generally upbeat TV show and things are going to be just fine.

For some reason, unlike when Ryan was arrested in the pilot, he’s in full adult jail and every guy there is staring at him and then he gets dragged into a cell by a Mexican guy. I guess he’s getting raped?

Opening credits!

Sandy sees all that we saw, but the potential physical/sexual assault of Ryan doesn’t seem to trouble him too much, because he’s right back at home directly after (same suit and tie) and cracking wise about another society event. Seth is all like ‘why doesn’t Ryan come live here you heartless bastards he’s going to have a bad time in jail’ but it’s not important because funny music is playing and ladies are eating scones.

Back in lockup it’s not so funny. The Mexican gang throw Ryan’s food on the floor, then push a plastic fork to his neck. He gon die.

Summer and Marissa hangout and Summer in just a bra makes a joke about banging Marissa’s dad (!?) and Seth shows up, just walking right into the bedroom, and stares at Summer in her bra and is going to jerk off to that memory for many years to come.

Sidebar — Man did I want to dress like Seth when I was that age, my hair is sort of similar too. I had a lot of those sort of t-shirts too. I think there was a reason Seth became something of an icon. Voice of the voiceless! AKA upper class white boys who read a bit and listen to indie bands.

Marissa won’t come to jail to visit with Seth and Kristen. Which is maybe just as well, since they swiftly learn, jail is not a nice place. There is a shocking lack of supervision in the visiting room, the evil Mexican guy seems like he’s about to fully sexually assault Kristen before Ryan jumps up and bashes the dudes head in. Way to go?

Sandy gets home and finds Seth & Ryan playing video games, because Kristen got him out as a thanks for stopping her being raped. The show needs to get over this will they/won’t they adopt him and get to the meat of the show, get him into school etc, since we know there’s only one possible way it can go. It can’t feel any more rushed that it already does, just rip the band-aid off, say the rich people made it happen because money.

Julie Cooper (JC) is pushing Marissa hard to patch it up with Luke and bang him because some sort of arranged marriage then they can be sure of more money? Cool, thanks, mom.

Kristen takes Ryan with her to ‘casino night’ whatever the hell that is. Speaking of forced drama, now Marissa says they can’t be together, it was a mistake and Jesus Christ, how long will they Ross/Rachel this thing.

JC is practically yelling about how bad and evil Sandy and Ryan are in a coffee shop and Sandy does a good burn, eating her muffin and calling her out from being from near Chino and marrying into money. JC is not stoked.

Ryan bonds with Kristen about how he wanted to be an architect (sure, like all teenagers?) and has worked construction a few summers (he’s 16 but again, OK).

Tate Donovan breaks it to JC that they owe it all to Kristen because his ponzi scheme is breaking down. JC also seems shocked that they borrowed $100k like it’s $100m. He probably makes that in a month, he’ll get back on his feet right!

Sandy (unwisely) brings Ryan’s mom to the house and she’s all like wowzer yikes, I’m gonna goon this up! The show can’t have mom fix it up and take Ryan home, but they probably don’t just want to dismiss her as a cliched loser with one scene. They needed to write her out fast but semi-logically. Which is clearly the intent with this party.

Ryan is literally washing and drying the dishes before putting them in the dishwasher like he’s Joe Pera, and his mom is talking about them getting a place to live nearby which seems very likely and affordable.

At Vegas night, R’s mom is counting cards and going bonkers and cleaning them out, sure OK, maybe tone it done just a notch, ma?

Ryan talks to Marissa and Luke Tannen stares dead at them hilariously. In even more obvious staring, Seth outright stares at Summer’s tits, but it’s fine because she wins when he blows on the dice.

JC thanks Sandy for the $100k and he’s like ‘whaaat this means Kristen still loves her high school sweetheart Tate Donovan goddamit!’ Drama!

Oh no Ryan’s mom is hitting the booze hard, that means she is bad! Although to be fair it is a little out of control how she’s just pounding back glasses of champagne in a oner. Be cool Ryan’s Mom!

Summer keeps winning and hugging Seth and it seems pretty clear he blows a load in his pants.

Now Ryan’s mum flat out knocks over a waiter, falls over a table, screams what are you looking aaaaat and generally makes the biggest scene ever, ever. Pretty great.

Next morning she decides, yeaaahhh, I like booze too much to raise my kid, I’m gonna do a runner, but Kristen catches her on the way out. Ryan’s mom is like, ‘yeah take care of him, he’s a good kid, peace out!’ and Ryan sees her wave goodbye. Thanks mom!

Kristen is like OK, OK, fuck it, Ryan is gonna stay with us now forever, that’s it. Like everything else in this show, it’s all over with fast, on to the next part, don’t think about it too much. Which I mean, for the best.

1.4 The Debut

OK so Ryan is adopted, legal guardians, no problemo, no waiting period. Just don’t get into any more trouble you rascal!

He gets the pool house as his own personal domain; apparently there’s no spare bedrooms in the main mansion. Ryan has zero possessions, he just abandoned everything at the old house, so on the off chance he did have a Versace tux for the deb ball, he left it at his house and is going to need a new one. Marissa does some weird acting about how they can be excellent friends now.

Summer seems to have changed her mind again about Ryan (he’s not poor now he’s a Cohen I guess?) and she’s in a bra again (the same one? Does she own any shirts?) and wants Marissa’s (M) help to smash Ryan after the ball.

Sandy finds out the SEC are onto Tate Donovan, big surprise. Ryan (R) is rocking his suit with a black t-shirt and choker, dope. His date isn’t Summer though, which makes her mad, since she has no date (which makes no sense) so Summer has to go with Seth because sure. Ryan’s date is hey, Samaire Armstrong! One time indie darling and short haired dream girl of all real life Seth Cohen’s (like me). She’s just moved here from Pittsburgh.

Pittsburgh. Ew.

Luke has thoughts about her too.

Luke: I’d be jealous, if Chino wasn’t gay.

Classic Luke.

Bigger picture, Luke is mad R is always macking on M, which, homophobia aside, fair. Either she needs to dump Luke or R needs to move on to say, Summer or Samaire Armstrong or one of the other 500 eligible ladies in The O.C.

Sandy won’t help defend Tate Donovan (TD) because I mean he’s a public defendant right so how would that work, surely TD has his own lawyers, but it’s more because Sandy hates TD. Given his history with Kirsten, again, fair. TD is busy dodging everyone around town about his Ponzi scheme collapsing.

The kids are all at yet another giant drunken house party, grilling burgers and dancing in bikinis, and yet again Luke Tannen is mad R is talking to M which again seems semi-fair like can’t R talk to like, anyone else? R avoids fighting for the first time ever, so he is good now! Phew!

At the ball R doesn’t show up like a jerk, so mega hot Samire Armstrong (MHSA) has no date. Summer again in full clown makeup is mad M isn’t coming and decides to make a play for her best friends bf, Luke (!!) and cutoff Seth. Loyalty is not super valued in The O.C. it would appear.

Seth meanwhile is bonding with MHSA about comic books. Summer dumps Seth officially for the event, and now he’s sad, but oh shit now R & M decided to come together so M is here after all! Now Luke storms off. So much coming and going and storming off.

After the most convoluted partner swapping sequence since a key party in 1970’s suburban Michigan, we find R and M together at last. Seth meanwhile made great pals with comic book MHSA and they arrive together, passing on Summer. Phew.

But the whole thing gets wrecked when TD gets in a fight with a guy who is kinda mad he robbed all his money. For the last time tonight, fair. That said, I think this guy would probably wait until tomorrow rather than initiating a screaming punch up in front of the entire room of this grand society ball.

Seth is now putting his terrible un-smooth moves on MHSA who is (fortunately) going on a sailing trip to Tahiti /back to Pittsburgh or whatever, so can’t hangout with him anymore. The only two people in the world who ever obsessed over Tahiti. I have a feeling if her episode tests well, she’ll be back.

We end as usual with a crying M being half comforted by a mute R with Luke staring.

Get ready for plenty more of that, and welcome to DB Brewster’s coverage of The O.C. bitch!