Jeff Bezos Needs More Money
Hi, Jeff Bezos here. I won’t sugarcoat it; I need more money.
Maybe you’re thinking, Jeff, don’t you already have money? Like a shitload of money? Like more fucking money than one person could possibly ever need to the point where it sort of makes you question the value of our entire capitalist system?
And yes, I do indeed have some money: $194.51 billion when you started reading this, $194.58 billion when you finish. But some money is a long way from where I want to be; all the money. That’s why I’m asking you to please consider signing up for our Amazon Pledge program. For just $1500/month, you can save me from the life of hardship I’m currently living. That’s only $50/day. Do you know how many decimal points back I’d have to go to reach $50 in my bank account? Wow, it’s a lot.
The last year has been hard on all of us. In some ways I’ve done OK, as the company I founded is now worth $1.7 trillion and contributes nothing to society. In fact, we at Amazon pride ourselves on dodging taxes, unions, any sort of worker rights. In short we do all we can to be evil! But put this against the context of my divorce where I tragically lost $38 billion (which she’s just going give away!!) and there’s clearly still a lot of work to do. I need your help to solve this worldwide pandemic of other people having money — because we’re all in this together. It’s like we say at Amazon “where there’s a will, there’s a way, to crush that will.”
First things first, this whole union thing, that can’t happen. If we had one of those, next thing you know we have to pay people more than the absolute minimum, give them benefits, afford them time off to eat and use the bathroom. It never ends. These concessions, while giving people “improved quality of life” or allowing them to “feed their families” would mean Amazon makes less money. Not much, just a tiny bit less. In turn, this means I would have a tiny bit less money, which means I would be further from my goal of all the money. As I’m sure you’d agree, this is both unfair and unacceptable. It could put back my plans to fly my spaceships to the Moon by several weeks. Unacceptable.
Don’t get me started on the whole ‘Jeff for the cost of the $175m house you bought this year you could make thousands of other humans’ lives slightly less miserable’. Or, ‘Jeff you earn over $300m a day, can’t you just give people a couple of bucks more an hour?’ And I say, yes indeed. I hear you. Loud and clear. Technically I could give people a couple of bucks more an hour. I could in fact double, triple, or pay everyone who works for Amazon a million dollars a year and it would not affect me in the slightest. But doing so would, of course, make one big difference in my life. It would mean that I had marginally less money, and this takes me further away from my goal of all the money. It’s the same reason Amazon can’t pay any taxes.
Think about Amazon and how great we’ve made your life. Don’t you owe us a contribution of just $50 a day? Everything you could possibly want, delivered to your door, either hand picked by robots, or hand picked by non unionized workers who we’ve yet to find a way to replace with robots. Now think about how great it would be if no other companies or options existed. Just one glorious omnipotent despicable company providing everything you ever needed from birth to death, priced at the absolute maximum we know you’re willing to pay.
Don’t worry, we’re getting close. But I need your help to get closer. Please, reach into your pocket, into your bank account. Take out all the money you’re not spending on products and services from Amazon, and send it directly to my house. My newest one I mean, not that shithole $100m penthouse in New York. Or any of my other LA mansions. Or that ranch in Texas where I keep my rocket ships. The new one. It’s easy to find, just look up the most expensive house in California. Send it there, cash or check please. We’ll be sending out donation envelopes with your next Amazon shipment.
By contributing as little as $50 a day, you’ll be making one little Jeff, very, very happy.